It wasn't me...

The following statement might prove how bad I really was before I faced the fact that I needed help.

" I am so glad I am cleaning someone else's throw up instead of my own"

I was actually thinking this while I was on my knees cleaning the bathroom floor after the eldest of the kids I take care of threw up on it; and then later when I was cleaning the baby's crib after he threw up.

I just have to say: "that's messed up"

Food for thought....

I read the following while doing homework and thought it appropriate to some things I worry about in my life:

"The boast of heraldry, the pomp of power, 

and all that beauty, all that wealth ever gave,

awaits alike the inevitable hour.

The paths of glory lead but to the grave."

Thomas Grey

Dumping and getting serious

It has been a while since I blogged, but I felt the need to record what I thinks is one of the hardest things I have gone through. A while back (read: two years ago) I had a car accident. I was fine my head was juggled some and had a concussion with a contusion and some other medical stuff I won't go into detail about. I finished my semester, and continued with life... or so I thought. What I didn't have the guts to tell or even let myself acknowledge was that I had headaches for months, nausea crowded my life until I finally looked for help. After I had help with the "real symptoms" as I called them, I was good. Riiiiight. Oh so wrong! in the past year things kept happening; like sudden flashbacks while somebody else was driving a car, or when my 8 year niece would jump out to me unexpectedly and yell booo! I would inexplicably want to get in the closet and shut the door; instead I would mask my fear with something like "please don't do that, I don't like it" and lay down on my bed for a few seconds. It also manifested itself in bouts of fear, not like "I am afraid I am going to fall on my face and scrape my knees" kind of fear, it was more like: my whole family and I are going to be trapped in a nuclear resistant vault without any food and water and perish due to starvation kind of fear. I tagged the whole thing as ridiculous, 'cause lets face it: it kind of is. Then to make things worse I was involved in another car accident (yeah another one) I was fine, no injuries but oh boy was I shaken; as in: crap I need to see a doctor shaken; and I did. She was kind and listened to me rant about how I was fine, but I couldn't stop the trembling, and I couldn't sleep, I was having night terrors, and I couldn't breath, but... I was fine, she also very carefully told me that she thought I had PTSD. Say WHAT?! no, no no no no no no. PTSD or post traumatic stress disorder (ain't that a mouthful?) happens to the veterans of war, those soldiers that had to live through literal hell on earth when they were serving their country and get medals of honor and purple hearts and silver stars and those things. ptsd doesn't happen to a Colombian girl with a lot of opportunities, who the only violence I have seen is on TV; no I was fine, just shaken a bit.

Let me explain a little about my attitude about this matter. Where I come from, things like this don't happen, in my country there are so many other things to worry about that depression and very real mental problems are well... not taken into account. In my household if you were feeling depressed you just sucked it up and keep going 'cause my mama didn't raise lazy bums. Somehow I was led to believe that everything is in your mind and you just have to get over it and move on. Therefore making me believe that if you didn't have a fever,  were not vomiting , coughing until you couldn't breathe or bleeding or some other palpable symptom, you were NOT sick, end of the conversation. In my mind psychological therapy and such was for crazy people, people who really had real problems, people with traumas in their past, or sissies. I am normal, I work, go to school, see my family as often as I can, have some fun here and there, I could not had PTSD.

Well, I came to school for the fall, right? and it was fine, had a little trouble with some medication, went to the doc, he changed said medication and voila. Wrong again. Since the beginning of November I have been struggling to make myself get up, go to class, do what I have to do. It all started with a bout of serious insomnia, I would stay awake all night. But then that went away and then all I wanted to do was sleep and read. I was reading my textbooks in my bed daily. It got worse, the inexplicable fears came back with a vengeance, I was actually scared of being alone and also of being in the same room with more than three people, being outside was like serious pain and I actually ended up having like I said before palpable symptoms and realize I had to go to the doctor again. So I did. After a LOT of questions and checking me over and some more questions, I have been officially diagnosed with PTSD. My doctor kindly told me this: "It is not known why traumatic events cause PTSD in some people but not others" after I asked why was I so affected and everybody else I knew who had been in a car accident seemed fine.

Right now I am just tired, I was fighting a losing battle on my own, trying to look, sound and be cheerful when all I wanted to do was crawl in a hole. I have been recommended to take some time off and rest, take new medications that will help within the next few weeks. I honestly don't know what I am going to do, or how to tell my family, my parents specially. All I know is that I am going home to Massachusetts, for the christmas break and I so hope that  it will cheer me up and in a way give me strength to get through this ugly part into a brighter semester.

Update: After writing this, that night I saw my harry potter 7 book and remembered a quote from the infamous professor Dumbledore he says :"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that is not real?" I know the story is fantasy but I think it applies to my situation rather nicely.

Thank you for that comment...NOT

 

I love taking pictures; I have and entry level DSLR camera. It is awesome, I love it, I have also 2 fabulous lenses that aid me in taking beautiful pictures; but that is what they do, aid me, help me, they are an instrument of my photographic knowledge and vision. The cartoon above describes the situation in which I have been finding myself more than I can admit. When people see my pictures and my camera, they compliment my camera. The "your camera takes awesome pictures" comment is getting old really quickly. 

This week my chemistry professor told the class "calculators are the stupidest things in the planet; it does what you tell it to do, it cannot input the right numbers and equations by itself" he was encouriging us to really think about numbers and what we should get with our equations; is hard to explain. Anyways my point is that cameras, no matter how expensive they are the are also not the smartest things in the planet, is the person behind them that makes the pictures awesome. You don't tell a Math genius "your calculator does really good math" do you?.

Since I got my camera I have been hearing this comment and I usually gave a little smile, when  what I really wanted to say was, do you know how many hours of reading, practicing, going to classes, reading online, and practicing some more I have done on top of full time semesters at school with a completely unrelated to photography major or a full time job? 

My camera like the calculator are instruments, good instruments yes, but the talent is in the person telling them what to do. I probably made the same mistake before I really dove into photography, thinking that the camera was everything, and if you are reading this and I told you that your camera takes nice pictures I ask for your forgiveness, you are a talented person and I am happy that we ever met. 

Don't get me wrong, cameras are AWESOME! I am a fan, I believe it is true that sometimes the more expensive, the more features a camera has will help, but it will only enhance the talent that the photographer already possess. 

If you are one of those people like blue ducky on the cartoon, I beg you, when you see nice photographs compliment the photographer, not the camera, and believe me when I say, you will get a genuine smile from that person, instead of a "I think you are a moron" smile. 

PS: I am actually building my portfolio, so if you live in Rexburg and want some nice pictures, shoot me an email at elilotru at gmail dot com, and we can get you some nice pictures :)

musik

I love this song by Adele, once you get pass the interview the awesome singing starts. This girls doesn't need flashy costumes, or computerized music. Just a piano; and that is my kind of music.

Back at school and Ode to Jen

I am back at school, hopefully the last few semesters. Double majoring means a lot of schooling. It has been actually good, I have hanged out with friends and my roommate Kathleen and met some new people, including a fellow countryman.  The only thing is that I left Boston, and while excited about a new phase of my life, I miss my partners in crime, aka the Boss's kids, my darling Sofia, my joking Elena and my dearest friends Jen and Sierra. I am so happy I got to meet Jen and her little girl, she asked to me babysit for her on Saturdays, but I believe I had more fun, than actually work. Here are some pictures I took of her and her little girl, I also feel like my friend Jen deserves a post all to herself, because she truly became a friend during the time I was in Boston. Her kindness, patience, endurance and tolerance, not to mention her big heart are examples to me. I miss you Jen

 

Sierra has the ability to make anybody laugh

 Her happy goofy self

Bye Boston, and I have the best sis-in-law

I left Boston to go back to school. I am currently in school and enjoying it, I will talk about school in a latter post. I am going to miss the big city, the freedom I had there, and most of all my family. I want to talk about my sister in law because she had me in her house for 6 months. She is a very kind, loving, fun, understanding and patient person, and when I grow up I want to be like her. She made Colombian food when I mentioned that I was craving it, she let me borrow her car, and she drove me to work almost everyday. I also miss my nieces Sofia and Elena, and off course my brother. Here are some pictures of them.

 

This is my niece Elena, I miss her enthusiasm, and love for all

This is Sofia, I miss her sweetness and her sporadic reasoning and compliments

 This is my sis in law, she is awesome and this is one of the few pictures I have of her. By the way that bread was tasty

Having some fun with the nieces out on the trampoline

My brother playing with their puppy.

And last but not least, Maggie; I love this puppy, she would get so happy every time she saw me and she would do a full body wiggle, and that ladies and gentlemen is love and it made my day.